Conflict resolution
Matthew 18:15-20 is such a helpful passage when you feel someone has sinned against you. It encourages you to talk to them in private to point out the sin or offence. (Maturity now makes me realize that when you do this, there's the possibility of hearing another side to the story, which makes you reconsider too.) Then, if there's no repentance, you involve a couple of elder-type Christians. Only in the face of continued defiance would it finally become a public matter for discipline in the church.
Notice there's no room for gossip or whinging to others! Churches would enjoy improved relationships if we could follow these principles.
For me personally, it was a revolution to discover the Matthew 18 principle of dealing direct with the person with whom I had a conflict. However, in the way of young men, I then became a bit mechanical in applying the principles. You can end up thinking you must raise every little ‘beef’ or gripe you have with another person.
So it was terrific last year to read Proverbs 12:16 in my ‘quiet times’: “A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult”. It put into words what I'd intuitively worked out—that sometimes we just need to let something ‘go through to the keeper’ (to the ‘backstop’ for American readers!) without taking a swing at it.
There are many times now when I can overlook something that annoys or grieves me. But although I may not show my annoyance in words so much, my wife would still tell you I sometimes show it in my facial expressions ... and that can be just as powerful. I need to pray for the Holy Spirit's particular fruit of self-control!
The need often to overlook and forgive an offence is John Macarthur's first point in this helpful little article on when to confront the sinner and when to forgive and forget. One additional issue that Macarthur does not explicitly deal with here is this: if you need to ‘confront’ someone over a sin, the way you do it is very important. We are to do it with gentleness and humility (see Gal 6:1-3), without quarrelsomeness or resentment and with much prayer (see 2 Tim 2:24-26).
